Staying Centered During Difficult Conversations & Confronting Microaggressions
One of the most important skills we can master in our world is communication. Increasingly, our world requires us to work in teams and the ability to communicate our thoughts and listen to others are the tools of that work. In our work as advocates for a more peaceful and just world, we are exposed to many different opinions and ideas. You can bet that you will encounter disagreements and perspectives that are very different from yours. One has only to look at any news source and see the evidence of what happens when communication breaks down, when people are not able to reach and understand each other. We face many complex issues in our world – issues that cannot be resolved by single-mindedness. If we are to figure out a way to live together in a country with liberty and justice for all, we are going to have to figure out a way to really include, and communicate effectively with “all” of us – even the ones we are uncomfortable with and the folks we dislike or disagree with. And I think we have to move beyond just tolerating those people to see that justice means we all have the same human rights. One of the most popular bumper stickers at the Peace Center is one that says, “CO-EXIST”. It is time for us to live that. Co-existing implies thriving together beyond just tolerance and looking out for the big picture that is justice. Brene Brown said, “People are hard to hate close up. Move in”.
So how do we do that? How do we “move in” and communicate with those who speak from perspectives we not only disagree with but often ones that are downright hateful or aggressive. We start by seeing them as fellow, fragile humans. We have to let go of the idea that we have a corner on the truth and approach others with an open mind and an open heart so we can hear their stories and understand them. Instead of digging our heels in and holding tight to our perspectives, we can nurture a sense of curiosity. While we must address injustice when we see it, there are many ways to do this. We can invite them into a conversation rather than closing a door with anger and accusation. See people as separate from their behaviors and words and look beyond them for ways to connect. Look for places of agreement rather than focusing on the points of disagreement. Approach each conversation in the spirit of learning – both for others as well as yourself, because we all can improve and grow. And finally, change the way you define success. We may not change minds but if we cultivate understanding and respect we will do much to change the culture of our communities. Change takes time and patience. Widening the divisions that exist will only slow the pace. Instead we can model the understanding we seek, we can open the minds of others by planting seeds of compassion and respect. In this way, working together tomorrow to solve the complex issues we face becomes more possible.
Tips to stay centered during difficult conversations & confronting microaggressions.
Ask them questions about their comment. Call them in and ask them to explain their comment.
They might not realize it's a hurtful comment. Start with love. Acknowledge that you appreciate them and see them before commenting. “I love you and....”
Taking a pause before you say something. Think about your language before you speak.
Desensitization to language that is racist and hurtful. Countering that desensitization is important.
Take an inquisitive approach rather than accusatory language to help others look at the language they just used.
Call them into a conversation rather than calling them out on their comment.
“I’m curious about why you used that language” Rather than “Why did you say that?”
Having these conversations when it's just white people in the room is important so the next time they interact with BIPOC folks they are more mindful of their language.
