LGBTQI - Pronouns - Guide to Getting Them Right
Learning a new name and method of addressing someone, especially someone who you’ve known for a very long time is difficult. Mistakes happen, and the pain or discomfort we might see on a loved one’s face after such a mistake can make the learning process that much more difficult. What’s important to remember is learning new pronouns is a matter of changing habits. Difficult indeed, but made more difficult through self-doubt and shame. I’d like to share with you some strategies and tips to help you navigate this.
The first most important thing is to correct yourself when you notice that you’ve made a mistake. There’s usually no need to apologize heavily or beat yourself up internally for making an error like this, that will only make changing the habit harder. It’s much better to correct yourself and move on swiftly. This will help to train your brain to accept the new pronouns and name as your new reality, and will generally make things much less awkward. This is also just as true when you are corrected. Simply thanking the person for correcting you, adjusting and swiftly moving on is the best response to a correction like that, just as if you had misspoke in any other context.
If you get it wrong, construct a sentence out loud or in your head where you get it right 3 times. For example, “What was it that Marie wanted- oh shoot! Martin! His name is Martin. He has been very busy lately and he would appreciate me getting this errand done for him.” It can also be helpful to practice with another person in your support group.
All these do’s are well and good, but let’s talk about some don’ts as well. There are two common behaviors to avoid here. The first is to not make the person adopting new pronouns feel like a burden for doing so. This involves things like complaining to them about how difficult it is to learn the new pronouns or name, or profusely apologizing for mistakes. While the instinct to do this exists in most people, these things will only put more pressure on the person you are trying to support.
Author: Gavin L., They/Their
